I’ve tried to write this artistically. I can’t. I can’t force it in a different perspective, away from me, into something else. I’ve done my best, but fuck it, we ball.
In 2018, I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. In 2020, the pandemic happened, and I was severely isolated by his family. I wasn’t “allowed” off the property, which is a bizarre thing to say as a grown-ass adult, but despite their insistence that I was free to choose, if I had left the property, I wouldn’t be let back in without the cops. I couldn’t get a job without having to give all my paycheck to them. I told them I was having hallucinations, and asked to be allowed to go to therapy, but they tried to convince me it was because I was a spirit medium and not actively stress-hallucinating. At one point, the main leader threatened to, if he were deported, go down a list of his enemies and start shooting. This is not exaggeration. He has a bunch of firearms, so this wasn't an empty threat. I was terrified, but I was already from a broken home. I thought that was just... how family was.
In October of 2022, I attempted to take my own life. I failed, obviously, and I’m glad I am, but what followed was absolutely hellish. It’s a blur, mostly, and I’m thankful I can’t remember most of what happened. I once again asked for therapy, and they responded by saying “therapy doesn’t fix everything” and saying I attempted suicide because I was deficit in nutrients as a pescatarian and accused me of abusing my boyfriend. The results on my mental health were atrocious. It was what finally, finally forced me to realize I was in a cult and try to claw my way out. It was like a fog had been lifted from my eyes. Like putting on glasses and realizing things aren’t just always blurry.
I tried to tell my boyfriend. Tried to tell him what happened after they drilled into me that I couldn’t tell anyone. His response to the abuse accusations was just “huh it’s fascinating how others view our relationship” and when I said that this was a cult, that this wasn’t normal, “maybe being in a cult isn’t so bad.”
It was the worst thing that happened to me.
It was beyond devastating. The one person I trusted most just… didn’t care. He was willing to just accept the status quo even though he saw how it hurt me. From there, I started looking back on how he actually treated me. I wasn't really a person to him. I was regularly sexually assaulted even when I asked him to stop. There were countless times where I asked him to stop doing something, even non-sexually, because it hurt me, and I was the one made to be the issue. I'd be the one who had to comfort him for my crime of trying to set boundaries.
It was the best thing that happened to me.
Nearly two years later, having one of the worst depressive spells of my life, I am now safe, away from them. I left Saturday, and have had to get used to being an actual human. I’m working on getting a job, and I have a fair amount of leads, so I’ll be not-a-NEET anymore, and I’m really excited.
I’m also single after around eight years. It’s… not a feeling I’m used to. The first night, I cried. I’ve been doing better, now, at least.
I’ve removed the guestbook and my email, as well as links to his site. I’ll try to get back into the swing of things soon.